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Sunday, August 28, 2011

An Investigation on the Events of July 17, 2006

We shall begin to investigate with sufficient scientific rigour the first few seconds of the events on July 17, 2006 (unknown time, presumed around noonday; location: A— Q—, I—). The perpetrator of the event (hereby known as “catalyst”), with a cargo of an unknown explosive element approached the checkpoint (hereby known as “event site”), and, after a brief scuffle, ignited his (examination of the flotsam and jetsam of the aftermath determined that the catalyst was male) cargo. Once initiated, the electrical signal traveled at near the speed of light (a specific speed cannot be determined due to the unknown material of the wires carrying the signal, perhaps copper, perhaps not) and reached the explosive material (at which time we shall call zero, the start of a new life for all).

The latent chemical energy of the explosives quickly ignited and converted to other forms of energy: sound (subtly spaced pressure waves), light (subtly spaced electromagnetic waves), kinetic, and others (unknown, string theorists must investigate). The photons (the frequency of which can be easily calculated assuming perfect black body radiation) generated from the rapid change of molecular composition were the first to emanate outward, striking the subjects, causing a negligible amount of radiation pressure (the unchecked photons stretched outward to the cosmos, mixing in with other photons and becoming indistinguishable with the light from Earth and the galaxy, stretching forever, a perfect record of the events of that day waiting for some alien intelligence to intercept and interpret) (also engaging their visual senses). Then the pressure waves arrived, applying the most amount of force, causing the subjects to visibly and extravagantly move from their original locations. The pressure wave also entered the ear canals and easily burst the eardrums, also tearing away the malleus (Latin: hammer) bone in some circumstances (other hearing apparati also disrupted in some way, including the Organ of Corti). In some cases this pressure wave was sufficient to rend large amounts of tissue, most notably in the case of the catalyst (having rended his body almost unrecognizable, also having stripped all pieces of outer garments off his body).

The head of the catalyst was cleanly severed from the torso and sent upwards with some initial velocity, with a substantial amount of longitudinal (lateral negligible) rotational velocity supplied by a one-time application of torque. The head (ellipsoidal in shape) lifted and spun, the angular momentum subtly lessening due to the change of mass as the blood (only moments ago sending nutrients such as oxygen etc to the brain allowing the mind [we shall not discuss the philosophical implications of such] to set in motion this series of events) exiting from the bottom of the head, and also due to the frictive properties of close proximities of matter-to-matter. The blood created a thin liquid stream in the air and when combined with rotation formed a near perfect spira mirabilis slowly growing in size and disintegrating, never existing for a perfect moment in time (being flattened on top [pull of gravity] and elongated on the bottom [same]).

Small bits of metal (nails, screws, other neutral constructive material), having been glued to the explosive material, shot outward, and, being forced to find some path of least resistance, flew with sharp point in the direction of travel (parallel to terra firma) until colliding with an object. Some of the bits striking walls and causing negligible damage (monetary value unknown [requires economic input]). Other bits striking human bodies and boring into them, piercing first cloth, then layer upon layer of skin until bursting into muscle tissue, blood vessels, nerves, lymph nodes, etc; the minute electromagnetic forces inherent in all things spawning friction, slowing the velocity until finally causing them to come to an uneasy and unwanted (unwarranted) rest inside the bodies (one of whom is the author).

Body pieces, having been flung upwards (other pieces we shall not discuss propelled downwards), followed a perfect (we shall not discuss quantum fluctuations) parabolic arc, slowly converting kinetic energy to potential until finally for a brief moment in time (infinitesimal) the vertical component (z in Cartesian co├Ârdinates [3D]) of the velocity vector equaled zero and the potential energy reasserted itself and caused the velocity downwards to increase linearly. The digestive tracts came down: plop. Appendages: plop. Unidentified bits of matter: plop. Finally, all forms of energy stabilized with the surrounding environment and for only a moment everything was calm, serene; each participant unwilling (or unable [due to absence of life-being or general unconsciousness]) (having never consented [perhaps incorrect as all parties chose a lifeline leading to time zero] to participate) to accept their role in the situation.

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